If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.