A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.