me 2 months after i graduated
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance