No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.