If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
You Might Also Like
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
#math
my sentiments exactly
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Oh we’ve met.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent