I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.