No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.