I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”