[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier