Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.