Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: