I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
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waiting for halloween be like:
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
That’s what I call a flat tire
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒