I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Made something I’m not proud of
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.