I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
o shit
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!