A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.