The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
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I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect