Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.