Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
bury ourselves
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.