Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
You Might Also Like
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Weighing up my bread heating options
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in