Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
What the hell happened here.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
This trial is so absurd 😭
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
i dont have time for this
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho