Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen