turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
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Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
cat vs inanimate object
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her