I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE