Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My life in a nutshell