You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.