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Not my job 😂
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.