Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
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Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?