Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Me trying to look natural in photos
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.