A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.