Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**