*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
You Might Also Like
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Order here:
More here:
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
can you read it!!??
maan!
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?