A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
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My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Breaking news:
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”