Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
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“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Just so funny
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.