Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
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Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
True?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?