Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!