Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
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I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?