In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.