Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
early stone age tool
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.