[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
good let them take over I have had enough
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
paddle faster i hear baby shark
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.