My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison