Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.