Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
the noise i just made
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send