nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.