ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Only short people can save us
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics