Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself