Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now