I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
the rocks need my help
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?