Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
#dnd #ttrpg
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
live, laugh, laundry.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what