[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
This is a true ally.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES