If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
the clam before the storm
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.